I have been struggling. It has been a year of changes. Most of them good. Some wonderful. I have a new grandchild who lives just a tad too far away. I would love to see her every day but we will make the drive as often as we can. There will be more about her later, I promise.

At the end of last school year, I changed jobs. I have been the high school technology contact for thirteen years. As of last April I became the computer tech for the district.

I have enjoyed learning new things. We spent much of the summer setting up new equipment, including desktops, laptops, and iPads. We also re-imaged some labs that were already in place and replaced some older machines with newer machines.

The week before school started, the tsunami hit. I have experienced the beginning of the school year craziness before but only on one campus.

This morning I loaded up the dog and went to the track to walk and think. In the past, I have almost welcomed the challenge of that first few weeks. It was physically tiring but emotionally satisfying in the sense of accomplishment. You would think that the sense of accomplishment would be magnified when translated to an entire district. If that is true, then why have I spent the last week stressed, frustrated, and generally in a negative state of mind?

I realized this morning that while I always worked very hard that first few weeks, I was very visible to the people I was helping. I was all over campus and all the staff could see me and know that I was there and on the run. They were patient and understanding and considerate.

Being all over the district means that the only people that see me are the ones at the campus I am presently working on. That means that every other campus where I am NOT has no idea of what I am doing. This is the first time I have felt unsure about my job performance. I am having trouble separating objective evaluation from insecurity. Evidently, my motivation at work is not money though of course I like a paycheck, like everyone. My motivation is tied very much to feeling like I am making a difference and making others happy.

I have let myself get into a cycle of negativity and my goal next week will be to get myself out of that cycle.

Last week we attended the sign-up session for a bible study on The Fruit of the Spirit. My assignment this week will be to study to present on Loving God’s Family and the scripture is John 13.

Whenever I read this scripture I hear music. A song called The Basin and the Towel by Michael Card. In particular there is a line where he talked of “the impoverished power that sets the soul free”.

I meditated on that scripture and the song this morning as I walked around the track. The world tells us to stand up for ourselves, to not let anyone walk all over us.

I think that John 13 is not so much about not being first or about humiliating yourself, but about the transforming power of Christ to work through us when we stand down and allow Him to change a situation of strife to a meeting with Him. When we are willing to serve others without resentment, we mirror Christ servanthood and allow Him to draw others to Himself. That is the external effect. The internal effect is that as others react to the difference in us, we lose our own anger and resentment and are ourselves, transformed.

This will be my goal for the next week. To continue to meditate on these verses and watch for opportunities to let Jesus have His way and take my anger, my negativity, and make it something entirely different.

I already feel better. How can I not?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV14WES9aow