Category Archives: Personal

iGoogle Fuss

I am working on part 4 of my Stealing Time story and it’s coming slooowly this time.

In the meantime I have been making some changes in the way I read blogs.  I have been using igoogle homepages for a couple of years because I liked the visuals but beginning last week I started having problems with it.  Suddenly, my pages wouldn’t load.  It wasn’t my computer or my bandwidth because I tried from several computers and several locations.  It just wouldn’t load.  I am assuming at this point that google has made some changes.

I began migrating my feeds to google reader.  It’s something I should have done to begin with.  I seem to enjoy making things difficult for myself by using things for purposes other than what they were intended for.  The process has been slow and I am still not finished but it has also been a good time to clean out.  There were a lot of feeds I didn’t bother reading anymore and as I migrate I have forced myself to pare it down to the things I read consistantly.  I have organized as I moved and marked everything read so that I can start fresh.

I am alternating on working on my story and googling so be patient.

Writing this story has been kind of like having a baby.  Repeatedly.  Doesn’t sound like fun does it?  I remember thinking in my ninth month that this was going on far too long and couldn’t this baby just GET HERE ALREADY?  Then I would go into labor and things would happen so fast that the pain seemed secondary just do the work breath through the pain oh here it comes don’t ask me anything, there – it’s a boy/girl/story. I was blessed with short labors for those of you that are reading this and going “what??”.  Writing the story seems like that for me.  Wait, wait, wait – boom!

I’m no good at the waiting part.  Never have been.  Never will be.

Summertime And The Living Is Easy

It is time for an update.  I know I have mostly posted my writing here lately  but life is going on in the background.  It’s just that like everything in my life, when I discover something new, I obsess about it – Dale calls it “one-tracking” which made me mad until he explained that it was a compliment.  When I decide to become involved with something I will research, read, practice – whatever until I have had enough.  If I ever get my nose chopped off for having it poked into the wrong place it won’t just be the tip – it will be the whole thing!

Today is the first day of summer for me.  School ended yesterday, even though I have to go and take care of things that I couldn’t seem to accomplish with kids there, I will do it on my time, in peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet – yeah.  This morning I got up, drank my first cup of coffee, ate my oatmeal, grabbed the mp3 player and did a mile and a half while it was still less than 70 degrees out.  Sun was shining and not too many folks stirring.  Brandon Heath singing “Give Me Your Eyes” in my ears and now finishing my second and last cup of the day.  Life is good.

Daughter graduated, a few scholarships we didn’t know we were getting and her laptop arrived.  She has a job for a month so all is good there.  Son is home for the summer and has a job.  It doesn’t pay a lot but anything is better than zero.  Still waiting to hear on his financial package for next year so pray.  He has been going at it the hard way and it would nice for him to catch a break.

The old blazer finally died and Dale found another Impala, a little newer than the one we have.  I’m expecting an “occupant letter” any day since the front yard now looks like a used car lot with everyone home.

I’ll be at school Tuesday waiting for the truck from the prison but the Lord was looking out for me when I faxed them my request this time.  I asked for laptops for UIL and flat screen monitors.   The only thing I will have trouble hauling will be some network printers but there won’t be many of them.  I’ve already got a forklift lined up so it’s all good.

I still have computers to load with operating systems and software. I have replaced two entire rows in the lab and am in the process of distributing the older ones to classrooms  I will work on that this summer too.

I have some projects I want to get to around the house too – like cleaning out closets and the garage.  I have some books to return to a friend and I need to help daughter do some major cleaning out and organizing to get ready for college. There is also a stack of books to read next to my nightstand.

Last night I did something I have never done before.  I read an autopsy report.  Spent some time on google trying to figure out what some words meant.  Didn’t seem like much to tell about a living person who just a short time ago was making me laugh til my sides hurt.

For today, however; walking, some laundry, a spinach salad for supper and some sitting on the back porch surveying the kingdom will be good enough.

Maybe I will write a little too 🙂

Mary Sue Riley Is For The Birds

Carry On Tuesday’s last prompt was Everyone Suddenly Burst Out Singing.  I am a week behind but I’m here!

Sunday mornings Mama played the organ at church.  It was one of those little white churches with benches instead of pews.  Mr. Jackson built them in his shop.  They were worn smooth and shiny from years of folks scooching around trying to make it to the end of Reverend White’s sermons.

The windows were open and the only air moving was from  fans stuck under the benches advertising “Miller’s Funeral Home – Only The Best For Your Loved Ones” and “Eat At Smith’s Diner – Best Fried Chicken In The South!”.

I would have liked to sit on the back bench where the boys sat, but Mama wanted me right up front where she could see me.  I tried to cover my mouth, and fake scratch my nose. I hoped Mama didn’t notice the yawn or I would sure enough hear about it later.

I sighed.  There was a bird chirping outside the window and bees were buzzing.  I could smell lilacs and fresh mowed grass. It was warm and all I wanted to do was slip off my hard church shoes and run down to the creek.  I heard snatches of the sermon, something about lamps and brides and then I  slipped off into daydreams again.

All of a sudden I realized there was giggling coming from below the window.  I stole a glance but all I could see was the top of the lilac bush.  I noticed a corner of the screen was pulled loose and glanced back at the front to see Mama frowning at me.  I tried to look like I was paying attention again. I felt a hard knock on my back and almost yelled “ouch”.

Mary Sue Riley was sitting right behind me, smiling like the cat that ate the canary.  She looked up and down my dress that came from “Dress for Less” and frowned disapprovingly.  She would never have worn anything bought in town, she had informed me loudly before church.  “All my clothes come from the mall over in Johnston.  Daddy says there isn’t a thing in this town worth spending his money on.  You really should try a little harder Katie.  You aren’t completely ugly you know.”  She had turned her nose up and marched into church like she was leading a parade or something.

I switched cheeks to try to get more comfortable on the hard bench and then I heard rustling and muffled noises coming from the back of the church.  There was a bump and a screech and then all H-E double L broke loose!  The biggest crow I had ever seen was flying around inside the hot little church.  It was dive-bombing the Mitchell sister’s bright orange hair and almost knocked a couple of light bulbs down from the ceiling.  It swooped across the front of the church almost knocking the Reverend’s toupee off (now that’s a whole other story) and even had Mama ducking and swatting.

The next thing I knew, it had landed smack on the top of Mary Sue Riley’s head and there was bird You-Know-What dripping down her nose.  About that time some of the men got fans and a broom and chased the poor thing out the door of the church.  People had been spinning around in their seats trying to see where it was going to hit next and I could hear the boys in the back laughing and rolling around on the floor.

The Reverend straightened his toupee and took out a handkerchief to mop his forehead with and glanced at my Mama and nodded.  She started banging out “Will The Circle Be Unbroken” and after a moment everyone suddenly burst out singing.  I glanced behind me and Mary Sue was wiping the mess off her face with the hem of her nice mall-bought dress.  Her face was red and she was madder than a wet hen.  She glared at me as if I had caused the whole thing.  For once I was glad that Mama was watching me.  It gave me a good excuse to turn and face the front and grin as I loudly sang “There’s a better home awaiting, in the sky Lord, In the sky!”

Stealing Time part 3

Sunday Scribbling prompt “covert” and Tell A Tale Contest “Childhood Dream” and not the words but the spirit of Carry on Tuesdays

Cassie got up and walked to the shelves. She picked up the picture gently and turned back to Kell.

“I used to have dreams when I was a kid. They weren’t little girl dreams. Sometimes they were scary.Sometimes confusing. The only constant was the face of a person I had never seen.”  She began.

“In all the dreams I was drawn to that face. It made me feel safe and it felt important somehow.  As I got older, I found myself scanning crowds, looking for that face. I was just waiting for something to happen. Then I saw you.  I was walking past the Community Center and saw you standing near the window. You were smiling and talking to an elderly lady and you carried a box out to her car for her. I started walking near the Center everyday after that.”

“So you knew the future before it got here?”  Kell asked.  “Now you’re telling me that you can move through time and see the future?”

“The future isn’t set.” She said.  “When the past changes the future is affected. This is one possible future. ”Cassie sucked in her breath and waited for his reaction.  She watched him covertly trying to read his facial expression to get some hint of how he felt.

Kell walked to the window and looked out. The sun streaming in fell around him and Cassie felt like everything she cared about was wrapped up in that bright glow.

His thoughts were so scattered.  He needed time to figure out how he felt about all this, about Cassie, and about his life. His life was gone now wasn’t it? His old life, that is. Yesterday he knew that he loved Cassie, though he hadn’t told her yet. He was pretty sure she knew it. They had spent almost every free moment together and right from the start they could talk for hours.  It was like they had always known each other. Maybe they had.

“Cassie, I need you to tell me about what happened yesterday. I trusted you and walked away knowing people I cared about might be hurt or dead.  I did nothing for them and I feel like it was my fault. ”

“Kell, I would never have asked you to leave if there was anything we could have done.” Cassie explained. “I know how important that Center is to you. No one was hurt badly and emergency people were already there. Besides, there was only one person who was supposed to die yesterday.”

Kell and Cassie had talked about his dream of making the Community Center into a place that would help everyone who lived in that area. Cassie knew Kell’s heart.  She had looked for him for so long and then when the face she had searched for turned out to be this person that she admired she started to feel like she had been given a gift instead of a curse.

All of a sudden Cassie’s words sunk in and Kell whipped around startled. “Me?” He asked.

“There was another face in my dreams. I could never see it clearly but I saw his eyes. Sometimes when I saw your face, I had a feeling he was watching you, too.” Cassie replied.

“Cassie, who is he?”

“I don’t know Kell, but I know he was responsible for the explosion yesterday.”

As Cassie spoke, she rubbed her fingers over the back of the picture frame she was holding.  It was thick in the middle.   She turned it over and eased a fingernail under the brown paper cover.  As it peeled off, a letter dropped out and Cassie and Kell stared at each other.

If you enjoyed this you may want to read parts one and two.  Thanks for visiting.

Sunday Scribbling 164 Worry

This weeks prompt was Worry and I also managed to sneak in the last Carry on Tuesday prompt 🙂

I wandered lonely as a cloud.  Shafts of sunlight stabbed through the trees, illuminating the dust I kicked up as I scuffed my tennis shoes along the dirt road.  I love using new words.  I-L-L-U-M-I-N-A-T-E – an interpretation that removes obstacles to understanding.  I need all the understanding I can get.

Even though it is early, my brown hair is sticking to the back of my neck and sweat is trickling into my new training bra.  Maybe a storm will come through this afternoon and knock out the power.  They might have to close school tomorrow then, and that would be a relief.

Mama complained about buying the new Sears and Roebuck Personally Yours Training bra.  She said she couldn’t see what all the fuss was about; it isn’t like I have anything to put in it.  I happen to agree but then mama never had to go to gym class with Mary Sue Riley.  Mary Sue, who has matching sweaters and skirts and make up and fancy underwear, even though we are only in the sixth grade.  I was perfectly fine until she decided that she would make me her “project” for the year.

We were in gym class which I already hate. It’s not like I don’t get enough exercise doing chores after school.  Like everything else about school, I go along with it because I don’t want to get noticed though for the life of me, I can’t see a reason for most of it.  Getting noticed at school usually ends up with mama making me go get a switch off the lilac tree.  People might think those little skinny branches wouldn’t do much damage, but mama must have gotten straight As in the switching class in school. She can make that thing whistle and sting.  Wish she would use it on Mary Sue!

There we are in the cold dressing room.  I had  my shower and drug a brush through my hair as I half listened to the giggling and gossip. I pulled my tee shirt over my head, and  Mary Sue declares in a too loud voice “ Katie I cannot believe you are not wearing a bra! “  Of course everyone heard and she smiled that fake friend smile at me as she sticks out her pink lace covered chest.  I spent the rest of the day feeling like everyone was staring at my chest like I was wearing a sign or something!

That night I pestered mama til she took me to the store and bought me one.  Now I hope we don’t have school tomorrow cuz who knows what stupid Mary Sue will decide needs “fixing” on me next..  Maybe I could develop some incurable disease that would let me get a note to say that I don’t need to go to gym class til the next century.  Maybe Mary Sue will be worried about someone else’s underwear by then.

Sunday Scribbling 162 Healing (Stealing Time pt 2)

Related Post (Part One of Stealing Time)

What now?  What now?  He’s going along right now but he will have questions and it won’t be long before he expects some answers.  I’ve got to keep him moving!

“Cassie, wait – where are we going?  What about the people back there?  Shouldn’t we help?  They may be hurt!”  Kell asked, tugging on her hand and dragging his feet.

“Kell if we go back, how are you going to explain why you called in this morning?  Don’t you think there will be questions?

“As a matter of fact I have a few myself.  Like how did you know that something would happen this morning? And why don’t you want me to go back?  Cassie you have to tell me what’s going on.”

“And I will – I promise, but we have to go now, Kell.  Come on!”  Cassie pulled him further.  She glanced at the sky and pulled Kell down a side street.  Kell noticed that she kept glancing at the sky from time to time.  Sometimes they would change direction after she looked up.

As they rounded the corner of an old brick building covered with graffitti, Kell saw that the sky above them was full of all kinds of birds, wheeling and squawking.  Cassie seemed to know exactly where she was going but it was really freaking Kell out.

Cassie looked around and seemed to see something that satisfied her.  “This is it.  We just need to wait a few minutes.”

“Cassie, wait for what? What are we here for?  There was a spot in the air directly under the birds where the air looked funny.  It kind of shimmered, Kell had never seen anything like it.

“Kell, please just trust me a little bit longer?” Cassie knew Kell might never forgive her but she had to get him to go with her.  If he stayed then there would be questions about why he wasn’t at work that morning and how would he explain?  If he lied they would figure it out and suspect that he had something to do with the explosion. If he told the truth?  What truth?  that his girl friend had some kind of premonition?  Then they would want to question her and what could she say?
“well you see officer, I am a time traveler and I had been to the future and came back to save my boyfriends life…. Uh, yea.  They would buy that.”

Cassie pulled Kell’s hand and headed straight for where the air looked funny.  The birds were right over their heads now and making so much noise he almost couldn’t hear her as she said “jump now!”

Before he knew what was happening it got ice cold and darker than any night he had ever known.  He was terrified but in seconds it was getting a little lighter and and the painful cold was backing off.  He was dimly aware that Cassie had a death grip on his hand the whole time.  He felt her squeeze his hand and realized he had his eyes slammed shut.  He tried to open them and felt sick to his stomach.

“What the heck was that, Cassie?”  He managed to stammer.  It was getting lighter and it looked like they were still in the alley but not precisely the same alley.  He looked around with wide eyes.

“A portal.  That’s what I call it.  This didn’t come with a ‘How To Travel Through Time For Dummies’ manual.  She tried to smile at him but as she watched his expression warily, the smile faltered and then disappeared altogether.  Kell was staring at her as though she had completely lost her mind.

“Are you telling me we’re in a different time?  I know what you told me but this is… I don’t know, I can’t wrap my mind around it”

“Kell, I don’t know how it all works but we’re in the same place – only it will be different because the time is different.  If we go to the same place your apartment was you will have somewhere to live here in this time.  We need to stay quiet and just try to get there without attracting too much attention until we figure out what this time is.”

They headed back the general direction they had just come and Kell tried not to stare, his mind reeling.  As they turned a corner onto a main street he realized with a shock that this was where he worked and where the explosion had happened just a little while ago.

“Cassie look!”  Kell started to point and Cassie grabbed his hand.  “We have to keep going and get off this street.  As soon as we are inside we can talk, okay?  Just a little farther!”  Cassie led him down the same street that she had raced down just a little while ago, terrified that he was dead.

They got to a door that looked sort of like his and Cassie turned the handle and the door swung open.  They stepped inside and closed the door.  Kell looked around at what was his home but at the same time wasn’t.

Cassie collapsed in a chair and waited for Kell to start talking.  She had no idea what he was going to say but she knew he was going to need some time to process.  She just hoped that when it was all out and he understood what she had done that they would be able to heal.  Would he be able to trust her after this?

“Cassie?”  Kell started quietly. “I need you to back up and start telling me everything.  I thought I knew you.  I thought we had something special, but this?  I have to slow down!  I’m trying to understand.  How do I get back?  What about our lives? ”

Cassie looked at him sadly. “I’m sorry that I lied to you at first.  How do you tell someone something like this?  I had to wait til you knew me enough to trust me and then I had to tell you something that could destroy that trust!  I love you Kell.  Whatever else has happened, I hope you believe that.”

Kell started to answer and as he turned, he saw something on the bookshelves and his mouth flew open.  Cassie turned to see what he was staring at as he strode to the shelves and picked up a picture of a young bride and groom.  “We got married??”

The Last Band Concert

We attended our last official band concert at our daughter’s high school tonight.  The show was awesome and we stayed for the awards and the senior slide show.  They gave the first annual Charles Bush Scholarship this year and the recipient was his best friend and a fellow percussionist.  His mom presented it.

We came home and watched their performance at state in the Alamo Dome on DVD.  It was the first time we had seen it and it seemed perfect to us.  It was a great thing for my daughter’s senior year, to go to state, even if they didn’t make finals (especially since she had a solo) and it was one of the events that will she will never forget.  Next week, is UIL Banquet and Honor Grad Banquet and we will have little left except graduation.

It’s hard to believe that we will have both kids out of high school – it seems like nano-seconds ago they were starting elementary school.  I am proud of both of them.

Not Ready For Sunday Scribbling

The prompt this week is healing and when I saw that in my reader it made me cry.  Those who know me know this has been a terrible week.  We lost a friend Wednesday night.  His name was Shawn and he left a wife and two daughters.  I’ll post more about this later but for now I’ll tell a little bit of the story.

We left a church we had attended for about ten years.  There were problems and we were lucky to have found a new church home and were healing and moving on.  We met up with some friends who were starting a small Sunday evening praise service at our old church and went and started helping them. This was how we met Shawn and Lindsay and their daughters.  The service fell apart but we had started meeting in each other’s homes once a week for bible study.  The group shrank after that but Shawn and Lindsay became our friends and continued coming along with our friend BJ.

We joked about having short attention spans and while we always had a meal and fellowship, sometimes we didn’t get in as much bible study as we could have.  That used to bother me some but now I see that God had a hand in all of this.

In November Shawn stopped working because the company he was employed by didn’t have any more contracts.  He and my hubby started going up to the church and working some.  My hubby is disabled and has balance problems but could work with Shawn for a few hours and I wasn’t worried about him falling and no one being there.  They also went to a Men’s Ministry class there on Tuesday nights.

Recently Shawn got sick.  He was having stomach problems and went to the emergency room several times where they did very little for him except take his money.  He finally had started having tests run and we worried because it was dragging out so long but thought they would find the problem and fix it.

Wednesday night I checked my phone at church which is something I NEVER do and there was a text from Lindsay saying that they were at the ER and to come if we could.

We left right away but when we got to the hospital, Shawn had already passed away.

When we went to our old church for that evening service I thought that maybe God wanted us to share our faith there.  I thought that was the purpose.  When things fell apart I was left not understanding because if that was the purpose then had we failed?

Now I know that God put us there because He knew the future.  He knew that we would get joy from knowing Shawn who was no angel but could sing like one.  Shawn who loved Third Day’s music and wanted more than anything to be in a praise band.  Shawn who could not ever seem to have a serious discussion for long and would make you laugh til your sides hurt.

God put us there so that we would get to know Lindsay who is shy and reserved at first but has a strong faith and great insights.  She is my sister in Christ and such a gift.  Her oldest daughter reminds me of her and the littlest one is her dad made over.  He fussed at her often, I think because he saw himself in her and knowing himself, wanted to give her guidance.

Above all else Shawn wanted to take care of his family and I know that God has plans for them and I have already seen Him at work in His people loving on Shawn’s family.

Once again, what I thought God was saying was not what he planned,  so as we all try to understand and heal from this grief we know we do so with the hope of Jesus Christ and to quote Shawn, God  “I’m a welder.  Use short words”  God, I’m listening but you know I’m a C+ student at best.

Wednesday night Jason said something in the lesson that stuck with me.  He said God is much more interested in working in us than through us.

A friend is going to put up a memorial site and when it is complete, I will post a link here.  There is no insurance so help for the family will be appreciated.

Sunday Scribbling: Confession 2 (not a story)

Confess they say and I say yes
I think that I should indeed confess
but not to you, just to my God
Who knows my heart and yet loves no less

You don’t own me and you don’t  own God
in fact if stumbling you should cause
Then before you are lain beneath the sod
Turn your angry eyes on your own flaws

I’m free you see because my sins
The Father has cast into the sea
And in the end when the world is made new
That sea is gone and my God wins

My soul is His, I freely give
Just as he died, so I could live
As If I lived like him I’m loved
So I turn from you to Him above

This may sound a bit angry.  I read a lot of things about confession this week that just trouble me so here is my thought on confession as it pertains to being a Christian.  Just my thought…

I think confession is necessary.  I think you confess your sins to God.  I think you confess to Him that you are a sinner and there is no way you can be made right without Him.  This isn’t shame – it’s freedom.  Freedom from constantly feeling as if you don’t measure up, because you don’t.  No one does and never will of their own.  It’s Jesus who does the work that takes away our sin.

We confess to God because it’s the first step to repenting or turning down another path.  We confess and then we turn to Him.  In that turning is forgiveness and restoration – we are restored to Him.  We are Justified.  Just as if I’d never sinned.  Do you get that?
Read the two scriptures below.

Micah 7:19
19 He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities.
You will cast all our sins Into the depths of the sea.

Revelation 21
1And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

They.  Are.  Gone.
I love that

ScribbleSoup Prompt #59

The prompt was You know you are getting old when:
1. when someone calls the house at 9:00 at night and apologizes for waking you up..

2. when your kids ask “who is Simon and Garfunkel ?” as they go through your cassette tapes (and yes I still have them!)…

3. when your towels are older than some of your friends marriages…

4. when you spend more time in the arthritis medicine section of the pharmacy than you do at the shoe store…

5. when the local police all look too young to be carrying weapons (and you realize you are friends with their moms)…

6. When you go to the car lot and walk right past the little sports cars to the 4 door sedans and check out the height of the seat keeping in mind how far your hip will have to bend to get in and out

7. When you go to the shoe store and walk past the pretty heels and head straight for the comfortable walking shoes

8. When you can remember going to school before there were computers, cell phones, cds, or mp3 players

9. When you can watch TV Land and remember when the shows were NOT reruns and cartoons were funny

10. When you can remember hanging clothes outside to dry because it was just what you did – not because you were going “green” and you grew a garden, canned vegetable, made jelly and jam, used up, made do, and went without and didn’t think anything of it because it was what EVERYONE was doing!

A Nice Family Time Sunday

What a nice day.  Church was great.  Jason is on vacation but they had videoed the lesson and at first I thought it would be weird but it was fine and the teaching was wonderful, as always.

We left straight from church to go to Tyler and watch the TJC Speech and Debate team showcase.  They were all great.  At one point I was laughing out loud and another young man nearly made me cry.

We had dinner with Kinsey at Outback and I ate way too much coconut shrimp and bloomin’ onion.  After we stuffed ourselves we headed home.

When I checked my email and my blog I found this nice award from another blogger – Simply Snickers.

What a nice way to end the day.

Sunday Scribbling: Confession (Stealing Time Part 1)

Sunday Scribblings Prompt :Confession

Kell just stared at her, silent.

“Please say something!  I know it’s a crazy story. You have to believe me.”

She was so tired.  All she wanted was to lay down and sleep but she had to make him understand.  “I’m not joking, I’m not hallucinating, and if you don’t listen to me, something terrible is going to happen!

Kell put his head in his hands as she spoke and when she stopped, he sat up and looked at her like he’d never seen her before.  What was he going to do now?  He thought they had gotten so close.  He’d never met anyone like her.  They had talked for hours about so many things.  He couldn’t be so wrong about her.

“Kell, Please?”

She had explained it badly. It didn’t really matter how she explained it.  How could she expect him to believe her?  Time travel didn’t exist right?  Except in her bizarre life it did and the only man she had ever loved was going to die, again, if she didn’t convince him.

“Cassie, I know you believe” he started to say.

“I don’t just believe it Kell, I live it!  It’s real.  Please” she pleaded.  “If I am crazy, what could it hurt?  You call in sick and we wait across the street. If nothing happens then no big deal.  I’m crazy, you’re alive, no harm done.”

“No harm done,” he thought. “No harm done.”  Crazy or not, maybe she just needed to be trusted.  “Okay”, he said.  “You win. I’ll call in, but we don’t have to go down there.  I trust you.”

“I’m glad you can say that Kell, but if this was reversed, I’d be thinking you were nuts.  I want to prove it to you.  You have to see..” She trailed off, tired, but glad he would be safe for now.

Kell saw the shadows under her eyes.  He put his arm around her.  “You’re beat” he said. “Let’s get some sleep.  I’ll do whatever you want in the morning.

She lay down and was asleep in minutes.  When she woke the next morning, the sun was pouring in the window.  She stretched and then realized that she was alone.  She sat up in a panic and saw the note on the pillow next to her.  She scanned it quickly, jumped up, and hopped around as she jerked on her boots.  She flew out the door and down the stairs, almost knocking over old man Clay as she went through the foyer and out to the street.

She ran the six blocks to the Center where Kell worked and as she got close she saw the smoke and lights from the fire truck.

“NO! NO!” she cried, sprinting to the next block.  Why didn’t he listen?  She thought she had gone back far enough this time to give him a chance to get to know her, to trust her. She crossed the street and lost herself in the crowd but stayed close enough to see.  She didn’t want to see, but she couldn’t tear herself away.  She was jostled and pushed, not even realizing that she was crying.  She felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Cassie?”

She went still.  She slowly turned and there he was, white as a sheet. She tried to hug him but he held his hand out to stop her.

“Why?”

Cassie reached out and grabbed his hand.  “I’ll tell you all of it, but right now we have to get out of here.” She pulled him between the buildings and through the alley.  She knew they had to hurry but at least he believed her now.  There was hope.

Silence

Tell A Tale Prompt is silence

I am normally a talker.  I get nervous and feel like I need to fill the spaces in the conversation.  The fog takes that need away.  I crave that silence.  When I was growing up we lived on the lake.  Summer was spent swimming. fishing, boating, and water-skiing.  In the winter there was ice-fishing, skating, snow-mobiling.  The lake was an ever present entity and our lives moved with it as the seasons changed. Storms came from the lake and sometimes blew themselves back out over it.  In summer there was nearly always a breeze.  We didn’t have air-conditioning.  We just opened the windows.

In winter there was snow and wind that would cut right through your coat.  The wind would raise around the edges of the windows quicker than you can blink and would slip in the tiniest cracks so that you could feel it sneaking in.

When it snowed at night I would go to sleep watching the flakes blown against the window by the lake wind. It would come at the window as if it were attacking it but there was no sound and at first each tiny piece would melt as it met the glass that was warmed from the house heat.  It would gradually pile up on the sill and when I awoke in the morning I would leave my blankets to look out at a world that had covered itself with it’s own blanket overnight.

But in the night when it snowed there was a silence so pervasive that even though the snow couldn’t get inside – the quiet seemed to grow and slip in with the little bits of wind.  Most people would stay inside so there was less humanity making noise.  Even those who ventured out would be wrapped up, heads covered with hats and scarves, heads down as they hurried to get to the next “inside”.  Too cold to stop and chat, moving so that the drifts wouldn’t cover YOU.

If you stood still out in it, the snowflakes would land on your eyelashes.  You could stick out your tongue and taste them but you better be quick because they would melt and disappear.  They made no sound.

When the weather was warmer and the fog came, you could sit very still and feel as though you were the only living thing in the world.  That silence was something you could touch and see and smell.  Everything and everyone moved slower, unsure within the constraints of a limited visual field.  Sound was muffled and you could turn and live in your head.  Silence that comes from slowing your very heartbeat and feeling your own pulse.  Silence that even slows your thoughts until you just are.

In the summer, I would dive in, pushing off the seawall and see how far I could swim underwater before I had to surface to breath.  My eyes were shut so all was black and the water filled my ears so there was no sound as I slid through the dark alone.

They say that silence is golden.  I think it is white like snow and black like closed eyes under water.  I think it is grey like the fog.  I crave that silence.

What To Do?

We are in a quandary (I love that word), though it is a good kind of quandary.  Jess got the Presidential scholarship from Devry which means about $32000.  That would not cover housing and some other things which I want to know a lot more about before a decision is made.

We had kind of gotten set on her going to A&M Commerce.  We haven’t heard from the Honors College and I think she is probably on the waiting list, but we had figured she could probably do her first year there anyway.

Now we aren’t exactly sure which way to jump.  She could do her first year at Devry if the credits would transfer so we will check in to that too.  The scholarship is wonderful and I am proud of her whichever way she decides to jump.  The Honors College fills fifty slots – there is only ONE slot for this so it’s quite an achievment I think.

I know that not everyone recognizes Devry as a college so that’s a consideration too. On the other hand they have a pretty good record of helping you find a good job and with her getting this scholarship it would put her on the high road for that.  You also finish sooner because you pretty much start school in July and finish with short breaks – not like semesters.  There is a lot of hands on which is something I don’t think colleges do as well as they should sometimes.

Soooo, I’m throwing it out there.  Any information or ideas are welcome!

Denial

Easy street Prompt :  Denial

Denial is a land you know.
I used to visit, now I stay.
I like it here and wish to say
that you could come here too – just go.

They say that I should just get real.
Reality is over-rated.
Life flows along, unabated.
I think that here’s a better deal.

Unpleasantness is not my thing.
so hum or whistle, play a tune,
or go ahead and face it soon.
Myself, I think I’d rather sing.

We All Follow

The prompt at Sunday Scribbling is follow and as I sit writing I have a song in my head – Follow That Sound by Sharon Little

I can hear a telephone ringin’
I can hear a gypsy singer singin’

I’m gonna follow,follow that sound
till i know, till i know i cant be found.

there a woman on her knees prayin’
theres a child in the breeze playin’

I’m gonna follow,follow that sound
till i know, till i know i cant be found.

We were strong and thought we could handle anything.  We had a few potholes along the way and thought of them as trials. We had lost people, but we had each other.

Life just kept moving along and crouching in the wings was a lion, ready to pounce and gobble us up.  We knew he was there but as people will, we chose to ignore him hoping he would go away.

Finally one day, his presence was too closely felt and we knew we had to face him or be consumed.

It was a Friday night and D had become sicker and weaker until I could hear his breathing at night – a sound that both reassured me and terrified me.  It didn’t sound right.  We sat down and looked at each other and he admitted that he needed to go to the hospital.  He wanted to wait til Monday because we knew that he would just sit there all weekend and nothing would be done.

Monday we showed up at the emergency room and because of the ongoing construction, I had to remain in the waiting room.  We were so sure it was his heart, and we were right, partially.  His kidneys were failing and it was causing fluid buildup around the heart.  They thought we were crazy because we were encouraged that it was his kidneys.  We knew he could live without kidneys but a heart was a whole other matter.

We followed the doctors instructions.  He began dialysis and I began researching how to feed him.  We were given dietary information which mostly consisted of what he could NOT eat and it was a very long list.  If it had any flavor, dialysis wouldn’t filter the chemicals that create the delicate balance your body needs to survive.  Too much of this, too little of that and the whole pile of cards comes tumbling down.  I was determined that I would find every way possible to give him enough choices to keep eating from being a punishment.  It didn’t always work and he didn’t always accept the choices with grace, but I don’t think I would have been able to accept it as well as he did.

Initially things seemed better,believe it or not.  The dialysis made him feel so much better than he had felt in a long time, that even 4 hours a night, three nights a week seemed to be a small price to pay.  He was soon feeling better but he couldn’t return to work on dialysis so we followed what we told at the dialysis center and learned how to do peritoneal dialysis at home.  After going through the training and making sure our home was set up for it, we followed instructions and diet to the letter!  We were the local poster kids for living with end stage renal disease.  D returned to work and we gradually settled in to a routine.

We had several good years before the lion returned.  D came home from work one night saying he was hurting and didn’t feel right. He did his first exchange and the fluid was cloudy which means peritonitis.  Such an innocuous word for a decent in to hell.  We went to the emergency room again and they gave him antibiotics and called his PD nurse and she called in instructions for more antibiotics to be used in his exchanges.  Nothing worked and things got worse so fast.  He was in so much pain and nothing helped.  We went to the hospital and followed their instructions and for a week met each morning with hope of improvement.  Every day his white count was higher and now he was so medicated for pain that he was hallucinating but still in pain.

I finally made the decision to move him to another hospital and immediately the treatment changed and he slowly started to improve.  He was so close to death when we got there that it took months.  We lived at that hospital for several months total and our children finished the school year on their own. Even after several trips home and then back the process was slow and some of the damage that had been done to his body was permanent.

He was back at the dialysis center three days a week and so discouraged.  We knew at this point he would never return to work.  We were trying to wade through the muddy waters of insurance and disability and in the meantime life went on, kids grew, bills came, and we were taking it one day at a time.  We had beat the lion back one more time.  We knew he just wasn’t feeling as well as he should this time on dialysis and because of hard lessoned learned we monitored everything closely.  Checked his temperature and blood pressure regularly using own thermometer and cuff.  We watched his diet and read his blood work reports carefully.  We talked to his sisters because he was finally ready to try transplant.

His youngest sister was a close match and the process was started.  We are thankful every single day for her gift.  There were other gifts too.  People who supported us financially, with prayer, with cards – gifts so great that thank you just hangs up in my throat.

The family followed us to the hospital.  Friends and pastors too.  We got up and checked the board over and over again.  The board was where they posted progress and approximate time left .  That board seemed to change so slowly.  Finally after what seemed like years, the doc came out and told us that every went well.  We had several hiccups – adjustments in medication were made and finally we were allowed to move from the hospital to an apartment nearby where we could come every day to the transplant clinic at first.  The transplant was Thanksgiving and we finally got to go home at Christmas.  The process is not easy and the anti-rejection drugs are rough at first but we have graduated to checkups every eight weeks.

Following all that, we are remaking ourselves.  Our lives are not what we planned but we are here and the lion, while not gone completely, follows from a distance for now.  Sometimes the paths we follow are not ones we would have chosen for ourselves, but we walk them anyway.  Sometimes they are dark and full of shadows and then sometimes we step out of the shade into the sunlight and the light and the warmth surround us for awhile.

What Do We Carry

I found a prompt at Scribble soup For Writers.

#58: At the movies
Write a piece, using only quotes from movies, book titles, song verses or titles.

I am fickle with music.  I have a new favorite song every few weeks and I will listen to it more than anything else until I get tired of it.  The last few weeks the song has been Half An Acre by Hem.  Most of this was taken from that song with just a little bit of addition from me.

I’ve wandered many miles and many years from my beginnings.  I have felt at home in other places but lately I have stopped marching relentlessly forward and rested in the present while I look back.  Not to recapture the past, but because I realize I have been in such a hurry that I may have left some important things.  I have spent time being new in new places and finding my place.

But in my heart, I am holding half an acre torn from the map of Michigan and folded in this scrap of paper is a land I grew up in.  Fair Haven Michigan, Denver Colorado, Fort worth Texas, Interlachen Florida, Minden Louisiana, Barstow California, Buckeye Arizona, Littleton Colorado, Paris Texas. There are smaller moves but that is the litany.  Think of every town you’ve lived in, every room you lay your head and what is it that you remember?

I remember the sense of adventure – I loved exploring.  I also remember some times of incredible loneliness until I started making friends, got started in a new job, made a place for us. Do you carry every sadness with you – every hour your heart was broken, every night the fear and darkness lay down with you? I learned that even though people are different in different places, they are also so very much alike.

A man is walking on the highway. A woman stares out at the sea, and light is only now just breaking.  We see the same moon and same sun no matter where we live.  We fight the same fears, heal from the same pains, and get our hearts broken.  Not our spirits.  Not our spirits.  And that is why no matter what happens with our economy.  No matter what happens politically, no matter how we find ways to divide – we will be okay and we will find our hearts.  We are ALWAYS stronger than we know.

I have come many miles, but I am holding half an acre torn from the map of Michigan. I am carrying this scrap of paper that can crack the darkest sky wide open – every burden taken from me – every night my heart unfolding….my home in my heart.

Lake St. Clair picture from flickr Velorutionary